Historical Criticism: Your life is lived in context and understanding that context with all it’s various aspects (political, social, religious, cultural, historical, economic, relational, familial, linguistic, and so on) will allow you do realize why you live the way you do. Good luck with that.
Source Criticism: Your life is actually a corrupted and altered version of prior lives and of the original source of life. The key to understanding what is important about your life is finding ways of tracking what parts of that source has remained pure and unaltered in you (the genetic code for your dominant brown eye colour, perhaps?).
Redaction Criticism: Outside voices have unduly influenced your life and changed you from the original version of yourself. In order to restore your original self, you must discover and cut out those parts of you that have been influenced by others (red, pink, gray, and black beads can be employed in order to figure this out).
Literary/Narrative Criticism: Your life has a beginning, middle, and end. It also has a cast of characters who play various roles. Therefore, what is of ultimate importance about your life is not your life itself but the stories you tell yourself about your life. So, get storied and feel free to use your imagination (I’m testing this one out on my son — by the time he’s five he’ll be thinking I’ve gone to the moon, battled Norse dragons, traveled through time, and gave up a career as an underwear model in order to serve others… I love my life as narrated by me).
Feminist Criticism: A lot of things in life look like penises. This is not a good thing… unless that penis-shaped object vibrates (in which case it’s use could be liberating instead of oppressive). If you happen to have a penis-shaped object attached to your body, you will need to take certain measures in life to ensure that you don’t fall into the culturally and historically conditioned habit of abusing people who don’t have penis-shaped objects attached to their bodies. If you don’t have such an object attached to your body, you’ll still need to become aware of the ways in which you have internalized a penis-shaped mentality.
Reader-Response Criticism: Your life means completely different things to different people. Stop worrying about that and accept it is a good thing.
Theological Interpretation: God is the meaning of your life, the universe, and everything. This is true regardless of what actually happens in your life.
Others? Queer Theory? Counter-Imperial hermeneutics? Feel free to throw something down in the comments.