Posted by: Dan | July 3, 2005

I’m Tired

One of the reasons why I tend to stay away from movies is that I just can’t handle them anymore. The premises for too many movies — things that others approach fundamentally as fiction — have become a part of my lived reality.

I can’t watch violent movies, or tragedies — I’ve seen too much violence and tragedy in my own life and in the lives of those I love.

I can’t even watch beautiful movies with happy endings — it reminds me too much of all those who were beautiful who never made it to a happy ending.

Every time I lose a kid it’s like losing another lover. Not that there’s anything sexual in the relationship. I just mean that in each of these kids I see a type of beauty that is indescribable, that takes my breath away, that fills me with wonder. And every time a kid overdoses, every time a kid is murdered, commits suicide, relapses, is carried away by their pimp, or whatever — every time something like that happens I’m left with an emptiness, with a little piece of me ripped out, with another wound that I know will leave a scar.

And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of hoping for happy endings that never come about. I’m tired of watching my friends get tortured to death.

Michael’s gone. Last time I saw him he had two black eyes and a broken nose. He owes a lot of money to a lot of people.
David’s gone. He’s locked-up in the psych ward and he can’t seem to remember anything.
And Leslie’s gone. They’re giving her free speed and heroine — and it won’t be long now till they’re pimping her out.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending. But not usually.

It’s not that the odds are insurmountable, it’s just that the apathy of the people around us is too great. If a few more people actually cared then the odds could be overcome. But I don’t think that will happen anytime soon.

So I hope you make good, I really do. But if or when you do, can you please remember my friends.

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