Posted by: Dan | October 28, 2004

Funerals

don’t ask me why I’m crying
i’m not gonna tell you what’s wrong
i’m just gonna sit on your lap
for five dollars a song
i want you to pay me for my beauty
i think it’s only right
cause I have been paying for it
all of my life

– Ani DiFranco, “Letter to a John”

I’m gonna take the money I make
and I’m gonna go away

When I read that Martha had died…

When I read that…

When…

Will.
Susi.
Ellis.
And now Martha.

How many more people are going to die this fall?

People say that it’s the way I carry the suffering of others that gives them hope, inspiration, whatever. But I’m tired of that. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of hurting. I can’t say I didn’t ask for this because I did. It’s just I didn’t know what I was asking for. I thought it was heroic, tragic, romantic, to pursue suffering love. I didn’t think it would be so… tangible.

Sometimes I wish more than anything else that I could just let it all go.

Well, that’s not entirely true.

Sometimes I want to wish more than anything else that I could just let it all go.

But I never do.

Fucking Christians. I’m tired of being what you’re supposed to be. Fuck you for abandoning the broken and abandoning your identity in doing so. Fuck you for forcing crosses on the backs of those who understand what it means to follow Jesus.

they think I make a big deal
about nothing
but they still think I’m kinda cute
they joke about the status quo
to break the ice
once the ice is broken
I hope they all fall through
because this is no joke to me
they don’t fool me with their acts
of sensitivity
they too shall pass
just like everyone who’s only here
for my ass

– Ani DiFranco, “The Waiting Song”

and I can’t wait, oh I can’t wait
till they get their due

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Responses

  1. I find myself wanting to comment on this…but I don’t know what to say.

    Shit…I wish there was something I could say…

    I love you Dan. A lot.

    Jude

  2. Judah!

    You know, I was looking back over the last few entries in my journal and I remember what you said about anger seeming to surface a lot more in my writings. Holy hell, in the last month there does certainly seem to be a lot of that coming through. Hmmmm… am I an angry person? That seems like an almost laughable question to me, but I could be blinded to it. Am I becoming an angry person? Boy would that piss me off! ;)

    A person like you never needs to have the words to say. The way you love me (and others around you) is evident in everything about you… really I think it’s one of your most striking charateristics. That I can know I am loved simply by the way you listen, the way you move, the way you are, that’s something special.

    Thanks.
    Dan

  3. Kind words brother. And very liberating for me to hear – “A person like you never needs to have the words to say”…because I’m always looking and struggling for words.

    Keep the anger coming! I embrace it.
    Jude

  4. You sound tired, friend. Maybe rest now. Maybe you could slow. Perhaps the tired is there for a reason.
    And the things people say, oh…they feel your compassion and they are thankful for it because compassion the way you do is a rare gift to receive. But how could it be given at all, if not first to yourself? And even then, who would expect it to be given all the time?
    Hope and love may not be finite, but aren’t we just so human. And we deserve the love and hope we give, we deserve to ask for it ourselves.
    So maybe you can rest today.
    The world will be waiting tomorrow, and it will be thankful for you the same as it always is.
    Please take care.

  5. Gentle words. They are much appreciated.

    Thank you.


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